I’m Half Full
I’m starting to feel a lot more positive about my current situation. Not feeling as low or as sorry for myself after the weekend, and I apologise for going off on such a depressing tangent last Friday, but I won’t ever edit or delete that post – no matter how irrational I was being. This blog helps me vent and eventually sort my headin more ways than I thought it could.
With regards to my injury and the studio, I’ve just got to keep being positive I suppose. Although it is hard, when all I want to be doing is training my arse off for the comps. To throw two brililant sayings together though, time is a great healer, and patience is a virtue. Says it all really doesn’t it.
On the GL front (or not, haha), all should be done with now. He saw me talking to one of the directors from work on Friday when I was upset, shit himself and then rang me at lunch. He was checking I was ok, aka covering his own arse. I told him I want nothing else to do with him, and that I wanted to walk away from the situation with what little dignity as I have left. He apologised, saying it wasn’t his intention to make me feel bad about myself. Fuck you, you silly cunt.
I am so looking forward to Zante now… I am feeling nothing but positive things about it. I cannot wait to get out of this shitty country and be with a lad who I actually want to spend some time with for a change. Spoke to Matt quite a lot over the last few days; He’s got Thursday, Friday and Sunday off work, and we’re getting a jeep on Friday so we can go bossing off around the island seeing the sights over the weekend too. Should be lovely.
A good friend of mine described what I was feeling as a ‘love vacuum stress’. She said I needed to curb the drinking and have some proper ‘take care of yourself’ time. This ‘good friend’ has only been a friend of mine for a matter of months. She was there to give out well-received advice when I needed it the most, and no matter what my troubles are, she is always there to tell me what needs to be told and her words will always be taken on board. You know who you are, so thank you, and thanks to everyone else who supports me and gives a fuck, even if it is only slightly, it means a lot.
Love you all Xx
Why?
I really can’t sort my head out at the moment. I am honestly having a complete lapse of self-confidence. I don’t know what I want to be doing, or who I want to be doing it with. Everthing seems to be dispersing around me and I don’t quite know why.
I’ve injured myself again… In May, I dropped into the splits from quite a height up the pole – Yes, I teach Pole Fitness, and yes, it will get it’s own blog at some point – and I damaged a muscle in my lower back which aggravated an old hip injury, and I tore a ligament in my groin. It took just over 2 months of intensive physio to get it right, I couldn’t pole at all and I definately couldn’t take any classes at the studio. I had to hand everything over to my girls, sit and home, and become untoned and unfit. I honestly hated every second of it, and it upset me a lot more than I ever let on. Working so hard to get to a certain level of strength and then losing it all so quickly is soul destroying… I was stretching on Tuesday and as a leant forward my left hip cracked twice and popped. I still can’t put weight on it. Went for emergency physio yesterday, and it’s back to square one.
As well as getting a promotion to full time 25k a year in my day job (thanks to GL) and gaining this aparently recurring injury again, little of my effort is going into the studio. Financially, I can afford to have it running and not actually teach there at all. But it upsets me so much to be in that mindframe. I used to fucking love teaching. But recently, especially with my advanced girls, it is just a massive kick in the balls to let me know how weak I’ve become. The fact that “You need to train” is the thought being thrust in my face makes me want to do it less… Where the fuck has my passion gone? I keep getting it back in dribs and drabs but nothing that spurs me like it used to.
GL has truly fucked my head up… Yes again. I don’t even have to speak to the man and he messes me up… Found out today he went home with another girl (from the office I work in – of course) last Friday. Truly gutted. Not heard from him since last Friday, and I’ve deleted his number. Although he honestly is one of the most arrogant and selfish men I have ever met, I feel like there’s a massive void inside my stomach whenever his name is mentioned. Because of this massive 6-month build up and no ‘reward’. I have honestly never met anybody who as made me feel as small and insignificant as he has, but I still wish he would get in touch. Most people won’t understand the logic behind it, but I want him to want me more than I want him – I’m well aware that’s never going to happen. It’s like this whole thing is completely dead in the water and I’m still at the side throwing it an inflatable fucking lifebelt.
I’m going to Zante next Thursday for a long weekend; Matt’s paid for my flight over there to visit him. I don’t know what people are meant to have… Hearts? Heads? Souls?… I think in my heart, I really have missed him since he’s been away. But is a two-week thing something I can base any judgement on? My thoughts are currently consumed with thinking about him, and being there with him, and what we’re going to do, blah blah blah. Something in my head is telling me it’s not good idea to go though, and I don’t know what it is. Maybe that I’m actually going over there for purely selfish reasons? Because what I need right now more than anything is to be around someone who will make me feel wanted and special, and i know he will do that? Maybe that I do genuinely miss him, and that a second goodbye will just make it worse?… I don’t know.
And I don’t know what I need to do to make me know anymore.
