I’m Half Full
I’m starting to feel a lot more positive about my current situation. Not feeling as low or as sorry for myself after the weekend, and I apologise for going off on such a depressing tangent last Friday, but I won’t ever edit or delete that post – no matter how irrational I was being. This blog helps me vent and eventually sort my headin more ways than I thought it could.
With regards to my injury and the studio, I’ve just got to keep being positive I suppose. Although it is hard, when all I want to be doing is training my arse off for the comps. To throw two brililant sayings together though, time is a great healer, and patience is a virtue. Says it all really doesn’t it.
On the GL front (or not, haha), all should be done with now. He saw me talking to one of the directors from work on Friday when I was upset, shit himself and then rang me at lunch. He was checking I was ok, aka covering his own arse. I told him I want nothing else to do with him, and that I wanted to walk away from the situation with what little dignity as I have left. He apologised, saying it wasn’t his intention to make me feel bad about myself. Fuck you, you silly cunt.
I am so looking forward to Zante now… I am feeling nothing but positive things about it. I cannot wait to get out of this shitty country and be with a lad who I actually want to spend some time with for a change. Spoke to Matt quite a lot over the last few days; He’s got Thursday, Friday and Sunday off work, and we’re getting a jeep on Friday so we can go bossing off around the island seeing the sights over the weekend too. Should be lovely.
A good friend of mine described what I was feeling as a ‘love vacuum stress’. She said I needed to curb the drinking and have some proper ‘take care of yourself’ time. This ‘good friend’ has only been a friend of mine for a matter of months. She was there to give out well-received advice when I needed it the most, and no matter what my troubles are, she is always there to tell me what needs to be told and her words will always be taken on board. You know who you are, so thank you, and thanks to everyone else who supports me and gives a fuck, even if it is only slightly, it means a lot.
Love you all Xx
Why?
I really can’t sort my head out at the moment. I am honestly having a complete lapse of self-confidence. I don’t know what I want to be doing, or who I want to be doing it with. Everthing seems to be dispersing around me and I don’t quite know why.
I’ve injured myself again… In May, I dropped into the splits from quite a height up the pole – Yes, I teach Pole Fitness, and yes, it will get it’s own blog at some point – and I damaged a muscle in my lower back which aggravated an old hip injury, and I tore a ligament in my groin. It took just over 2 months of intensive physio to get it right, I couldn’t pole at all and I definately couldn’t take any classes at the studio. I had to hand everything over to my girls, sit and home, and become untoned and unfit. I honestly hated every second of it, and it upset me a lot more than I ever let on. Working so hard to get to a certain level of strength and then losing it all so quickly is soul destroying… I was stretching on Tuesday and as a leant forward my left hip cracked twice and popped. I still can’t put weight on it. Went for emergency physio yesterday, and it’s back to square one.
As well as getting a promotion to full time 25k a year in my day job (thanks to GL) and gaining this aparently recurring injury again, little of my effort is going into the studio. Financially, I can afford to have it running and not actually teach there at all. But it upsets me so much to be in that mindframe. I used to fucking love teaching. But recently, especially with my advanced girls, it is just a massive kick in the balls to let me know how weak I’ve become. The fact that “You need to train” is the thought being thrust in my face makes me want to do it less… Where the fuck has my passion gone? I keep getting it back in dribs and drabs but nothing that spurs me like it used to.
GL has truly fucked my head up… Yes again. I don’t even have to speak to the man and he messes me up… Found out today he went home with another girl (from the office I work in – of course) last Friday. Truly gutted. Not heard from him since last Friday, and I’ve deleted his number. Although he honestly is one of the most arrogant and selfish men I have ever met, I feel like there’s a massive void inside my stomach whenever his name is mentioned. Because of this massive 6-month build up and no ‘reward’. I have honestly never met anybody who as made me feel as small and insignificant as he has, but I still wish he would get in touch. Most people won’t understand the logic behind it, but I want him to want me more than I want him – I’m well aware that’s never going to happen. It’s like this whole thing is completely dead in the water and I’m still at the side throwing it an inflatable fucking lifebelt.
I’m going to Zante next Thursday for a long weekend; Matt’s paid for my flight over there to visit him. I don’t know what people are meant to have… Hearts? Heads? Souls?… I think in my heart, I really have missed him since he’s been away. But is a two-week thing something I can base any judgement on? My thoughts are currently consumed with thinking about him, and being there with him, and what we’re going to do, blah blah blah. Something in my head is telling me it’s not good idea to go though, and I don’t know what it is. Maybe that I’m actually going over there for purely selfish reasons? Because what I need right now more than anything is to be around someone who will make me feel wanted and special, and i know he will do that? Maybe that I do genuinely miss him, and that a second goodbye will just make it worse?… I don’t know.
And I don’t know what I need to do to make me know anymore.
Boys with Girls.
The wife has been in contact with a lad she used to go to Primary School with quite recently. Now… this lad has a girlfriend, and he knows that Emma knows this. And yet over the past week he has continued to bombard her with overly-nice and flirty text messages. If she doesn’t reply within a 5-10 minutes, he’ll send a follow up text “Is everything ok?” or “Oi, you not talking to me?” Does he literally spend no time with his woman? And why put so much effort in when it’s clearly never going to get anywhere??
In situations like this, I would never say that she is in the wrong for replying to his messages or even for flirting with him. At the end of the day, he is the one who has chosen to be commited to somebody else, whether or not he keeps his word on that is not my wife’s problem.
Having never been cheated on, I don’t know the feeling of having somebody go behind your back. And because of this I find it unreasonable for the women in this situation to hate the women their men are cheating with. The men were the one’s who promised to be faithful… But to us, all’s fair in love and war.
I’ve had a couple of ‘Takens’ on the cards since the Break Up. But the point is, that these men are a lot more attractive to us because the likelihood of having to actually do anything we say to them is very small. Still, it makes me wonder why they bother doing it in the first place. And should we feel bad for playing along with them even though they have another woman on the sideline?
Dan started talking to me on Facebook a couple of months ago. We casually chatted about how we would make a bang-bus movie together (direct, not star in), the size of our porn collections, and the like. He had introduced me to his missus once when we were out about a year ago, and I knew (from what he’d told me) that they were living together and had been together a few years… The Facebook chatting turned into texting. He’d text me when he was at work (obviously when she wasn’t anywhere near) discussing what outfit I was wearing and whether or not i was bending over a desk. He started to tell me how much he liked me… Instant bad sign. I told him I liked him too but that this was just fun, he had a girlfriend who he was happy with, and there was no point in ruining that. I didn’t want to go out with him, it was all just a bit of fun. The texts became more frequent during the evenings and weekends, until one night he rang me up saying she’d been through his phone and that he was really in the shit. I had no sympathy. Like I said, if they chose to break their word, that’s their business. If it wouldn’t have been me, it would have been somebody else.
But is the thrill of the chase actually more exciting than the catch? And not just for lads, for girls too…
There’s a lad who I’m currently half-bedding. Meaning, the opportunity is there, I’ve just not decided whether or not I want to take it. I completely made all the effort to begin with. He’s younger than me, and one of Emma’s mates so it wasn’t instantly set up to be a pull. After I had put forward my flirty efforts with military precision, I have truly bagged him, but now he want’s it, I’ve gone off the idea. I’m such a lad.
Revelations
For the past week, GL had been full on with the texting and phone calls (everything but physical contact). We’ve got a staff ‘do’ on Friday night. He told me he had a suite booked at the Hilton in Manchester, and he wondered if I’d like to go back there with him after the meal and a few drinks. I agreed. Part of me believed that even if I accepted his offer, it still probably wouldn’t happen. Much like the dozens or so other times he’d arranged to meet up with me and then had to cancel last minute. My initial objective of the night would be to stay out with the girls from work and get mashed up, and if anything looked like it was going to happen with GL, I’d meet him at the Hilton afterwards. That way my night wouldn’t have to revolve around relying on him.
He had been texting me last Thursday afternoon and evening while he was in London at a meeting. Telling me he was looking forward to Friday so much, and telling me what he was planning on doing with me. Sat in the pub, half tipsy with half a dozen of my friends having the banter, I wasn’t really in a position to start filthy texting him back, so when he said it was my turn and I declined, he reverted to the old “Just think, you came that close, and you’ve just missed your chance” nonsense… I reminded him he’d already used a similar line the week before and said I’d see him at work the next day.
**Potential Porno Plot** The following day, I was wearing my uber-tight grey pencil skirt, black heels, and white shirt which always has one too many buttons undone at the front, completely taking away it’s ‘appropriate for work wear’ factor (ahh well)… Bending forward over him desk to place down his coffee in front of him (strong, white, no sugar, and with a good dose of my saliva thrown in for good measure), he leant back in his chair looking me up and down and started with the flirting…
“Oh, thank you sweetheart. What would I do without you eh? You’re so good to me…”
“I know” I said… “And to think I came that close, and that I’ve had my last chance now… Such a shame eh.” He had a massive grin on his face, I flashed him a smile (although it felt more appropriate to flash my boobs the amount of sexual tension that was in the room) and I turned around to leave.
“You’ll never be on your last chance with me” he replied… Queue the porn music (bada-ba-bada-bowwww). He stood up and shut the door in front of me. Facing him he pressed me up against the wall and slowly moved his hand up my…. Ok, Ok… So that last bit didn’t happen. But it bloody should have done!
He rang me up on Saturday, checking I’d had a good week at work, how I was liking the promotion, and what I was upto over the weekend. Just a casual chat like a friend would have with another friend… weird. He asked if I would meet him on Sunday. I’ve known since May that he’s had a girlfriend, he said he could get away for a couple of hours to see me for a late lunch. Cutting it short, he cancelled that morning, saying that her Dad has got cancer and they were going to see him and he couldn’t get out of it. I didn’t reply. He text me again later saying how pissed off he was because he really wanted to see me but that he had to do the right thing… Hang on… For someone who’d only had this bird since May-ish, going on ‘cancer visits’ seemed a bit full on? There was obviously a lot more to this relationship than he ever let on.
I spoke to him on Tuesday night, and dragged as much info out of him as he was going to give me. He’d had this girlfriend for almost a year (meaning he’d lied to me when we first started talking), but he said it wasn’t working out. She kept sussing him when he was texting or calling me and she kept looking through his phone. He said that if he’s wanting to do stuff with me so much, it obviously wasn’t right with them, and that it would be finishing soon. You’d think that I’d be over the moon about this kind of talk but I really didn’t like it. The guilt started kicking in and I felt so shitty on her (even thought I didn’t even know the woman). Did he not give a shit that her dad had cancer? Was he just going to be using me as an excuse to leave her? Was he even going to leave her or was he just saying that to make me feel better about the situation??… Because it didn’t! I started to question the whole Friday night arrangement; even the slim chance of it actually happening worried me.
Yesterday at work, one of the girls got a disciplinary for skiving a day off work. She thought she was going to get fired, so in her ‘glory of leaving’ she decided to tell the entire office about the staff that GL had shagged. There was a few. Fair do’s, some were good looking girls, but some… Words do not describe the logic there. I text him when I got home lastnight. “Delete my number now. I don’t want anything to do with you at all. Good riddance.”
He’s already text me twice today.
