Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
After a very recent argument with the wife, and after recieving a similar themed comment on one of my blogs (Car Parks), the weekend had me in a rather reflective mood. Although my shenanigans whilst out on Friday and Saturday continued as normal, looking back at my past, present and future, I can’t help but ponder over their justifications for saying the things they have to/about me.
A long time ago, when I didn’t have the balls to end a relationship which was rutted and doomed, I developed a sort of defense mechanism to protect myself against it. At the start of the relationship I was young, immature and obsessed. I would have done anything he asked and I honestly thought I was in love with him. He controlled every aspect of my life, my friends, family, work… This was all up until the night where he thought he was within his right to slap me round the face because I’d suggested going out with my mates… My priorities moved quickly from pleasing him to pleasing myself, and nobody else. The defense mechanism I used was one where I lied to him and cheated on him. I kissed other lads on nights out, or I’d tell him I was at home or at school when I was round at someone else’s house. Sex wasn’t a massive part of it, although it was present. It was more about the deceit for me, and I got a kick out of doing something I knew he would hate.
At that time, I never got any other gratification from it all apart from the spite factor. I never came out of it feeling better about myself, I was always depressed. I never felt wanted and I never felt like I was liked by any of the lads I got off with. I ‘used’ them to make a point, although in the end it was me who was being used, I’m well aware of that now. It was because I played it wrong. With the hidden agenda came an over-emotional attachment, so I never had the upper hand. Living and learning has got me through a lot in life. I wasn’t particularly naive back then, but I am definitely a lot more ‘street smart’ and a lot wiser to men and their tricks now-a-days.
To quote : “This guy isn’t only a weirdo, it sounds like he is using you, possibly because you let him (but why? low self esteem? maybe for some kind of bizarre experiment?)”…
Reaction : My blogs may come across as if I’m looking for love, and being knocked back every step along the way, but the truth is actually quite the opposite. I have just been in a relationship for 4 years, which I ended, and before that, I was in one for 2. At the moment, I have no interest in having anything more than something casual. That doesn’t mean I’m having a flurry of one night stands, that means I meet up with them as and when WE both want to and I make sure nothing too serious comes of it. I pursue them as much as they pursue me. And I only feel the need to blog the occasional weirdo or confusing situation… This whole blogging idea would be dull if it documented my ‘nice’ and ‘pleasant’ dates. Zzzzzzz.
To clarify, I really do not have low self esteem. Sometimes I may drop my standards, but that’s because that’s what I want to do. Not because there’s nothing better for me. I know I’m hot. I know I could probably get myself a nice boyfriend who’d be really nice to me, treat me well and wants to settle down, but I just got rid of one of them, and the reason for that was because I wasn’t ready to settle down. As much as it hurt him, I obviously needed to get all this out of my system in one way or another.
To quote : “Have you thought about just kind of fasting from men for 3 months? did me the world of good.”
Response : Each to their own… and no disrespect… But I’m good ta.
This behavior may be another defense mechanism for me, but I’m really happy at the moment. I love the attention. I don’t feel used and I don’t feel like I’m yearning for more from any of them. If they don’t like me, I don’t care… There’s plenty more fish in the sea. If they don’t want to see me, that’s fine… If I don’t keep in touch with them, that’s fine. Some things work out, some don’t… The day I start feeling sad, or like I’m not quite getting what I want out of this arrangement, will be the day I stop.
Until then… Viva la Randoms. Xx
Friend-Zones and Headfucks
This is a long one I’m afraid. And this is the shortened version. Haha!…
On New Years Eve 2008, I was in a relationship with ‘him’. I’d arranged a house party at mine with him and the Banter Brigade because I cannot stand going out on New Years, it’s ridiculous and shit… The midnight bells came and went, and I noticed ‘he’ had drank a little too much, so I sent him to bed (we’d had issues in the past regarding his drinking, so I didn’t put up with any drunken nonsense). I retired too an hour or so later and as soon as I’d lay down received a text message from Corbett (who was downstairs in my living room) which went along the lines of “He’s a lucky man getting to sleep next you tonight”. I deleted it straight away, passing it off as a drunken one-off. This lad had been my mate for a few years, and that text was never mentioned afterwards – I didn’t really want any complications. Especially with someone I was out with almost every weekend.
When me and ‘him’ were going through our break, I sent a text out to a few of the boys saying “Looks like I’m single now boys. Let’s all get it on. Haha Xx”, and then got one back off Corbett saying “I wish you were being serious”. A conversation ensued where he basically said he liked me a lot but he was worried anything happening would ruin the friendship we had – which I totally understood. And although I didn’t understand why he had told me in the first place, we agreed to leave the issue and carry on just being ‘mates’.
When I was newly single, and therefore acting all footloose and fancy free, every time we were out and I found myself dancing with another lad, I’d notice Corbett standing on the sidelines looking over as if he was about to kick off. I found myself doing it too though, I hated seeing him dancing with other girls. If that situation ever came about I’d just go and girate myself behind him until his attention was diverted then leave him alone… How mature… I really did like him. And the fact I knew he liked me just made it worse, wanting what I couldn’t have. Blah blah blah…
This all carried on for a few weeks and then I met Matt. When we went out on a date one Saturday, the gang all went out to Burnley and I arranged to meet them there afterwards. The story I got from the Wife was that all night Corbett was asking where I was, who I was with, and when I was coming out. Every time Emma got a text, he was asking if I was on my way and what I was doing… When I eventually did arrive, Emma told him she was meeting me at the entrance and he said he would wait at the side for us to get back. However, once we got there (and after a quick trip to the toilets so the Wife could tell me the entire nights events) he was gone… A few minutes later he appeared from nowhere with some peroxide blonde polyester dressed horror of a bird’s hand in his, and giving me a quick wink he led her to the dancefloor where they started getting off with each other and dirty dancing. I went for a fag and sent him a text saying “I’m almost embarrased for you”… I saw him 15mins later, he said he thought I’d ”fucked off home” already, I asked him why I would have and that it should be him going home, and a verbal fight began between us. I clarified that he had done it deliberately, and if he had stuff to say to me, he should be saying it, not playing silly games and ignoring the issue. He shrugged it off.
The tension was always there afterwards, we both just kept our distance until the Thursday night in Burnley where we both got wankered and ended up getting off with eachother outside his house (mentioned in a previous blog entry). And to clarify again, HE initiated that kiss, not me. I gave an innocent enough hug and cheek kiss to which he replyied “Is that all I get then?”… The necking commenced.
Before Mexico it was all hyped up that we were gonna be shagging on holiday because “What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico”. And that was true, but the secrets we shared sadly don’t involve a night of passion. We both pulled other people in front of eachother there and we pulled eachother on a couple of nights too, and it wasn’t even an issue. We were all there to have good time and enjoy ourselves…
When we got our alone time, rather than spending it strapping up and smacking up, we spent it talking about our past, present and future. He made a schoolboy error and told me that he basically wants to be a bastard. That if he likes a girl, he’ll let her know, but as soon as they show any interest, he turns it off and acts a dick with them. He’d been hurt in the past, big time, and admitted outright that he didn’t like failing. If anything serious were to happen with a girl which then messed up, that would be a fail, so he just didn’t want to bother. It wasn’t worth the hassle and the hurt etc etc.
We stayed up until 6am the next morning just talking. In a way he’d made himself more vulnerable, showing me his weak points and telling me his game plan. Walking back to the rooms he said he liked me (again) but that we were mates and that made it weird for him to deal with… then he gave me a good snog and groped me for half an hour in the corridor. We were in separate rooms and both had our mates inside. If there would have been somewhere to go we would have slept together that night. It genuinely felt like the perfect time to do it because we’d already shared so much…. I just sound gay now. Haha.
Coming back home and back to reality, we now have had no resolution to this issue. 6 months on and there’s been no getting it out of our system and moving on with a clear head. The tension and feelings are most definitely still there; both positive and negative ones. And the games are being played from both sides more than ever. However… I’ve decided to keep my distance now. He told my Wife how fit she was on Friday night after we got back from Mexico, and how everyone liked her. Then he made out like all he’d ever wanted to do was be my friend and that I kept on pushing the issue with him to make it more. I know his game, but my other mates don’t. And I don’t want to be made out to be some desperate mug who is following him around like a lost puppy. We’ll just have to see what comes of this one I think. But I just want this over and done with to be honest.
Why must boys play games with us? And why do I love to play along?
Dunny
Mr Mark James Dunn is probably one of my oldest and my best (male) friend in the entire world. You know one of those people who you can totally be yourself around, hang around with when you look like shit and not really care, and feel completely comfortable sharing every intimate detail of you life with… Well thats Dunny, for me.
I met him when I was 15. We took the occasional GCSE class together and soon found that we had a shared love for taking the piss out of teachers and doing very little work. The bond was instant, and although we didn’t immediately spend all our time together, our friendship seemed to blossom fully after I came back from Uni a few years later.
Since then we’ve always shared our ups and downs, I’ve been there for the ‘Invincible’ Mark Dunn when he’s needed to vent, or needed an impartial and sensible word or two. One thing we could always do was be honest with eachother. No need to butter up the truth etc, just brutal honest opinion… And he was a rock to me when i split up with ‘him’. Dunny gave me the best advice, and although everyone else around me was probably saying the same thing as he was, his words were always the ones that stuck with me.
Today he compared himself to a car, and me to the exhaust. I’m the thing that all the shit comes out of to keep the car running properly. I love him very much. And I hope he stays my Brother forever.
