I’m Half Full
I’m starting to feel a lot more positive about my current situation. Not feeling as low or as sorry for myself after the weekend, and I apologise for going off on such a depressing tangent last Friday, but I won’t ever edit or delete that post – no matter how irrational I was being. This blog helps me vent and eventually sort my headin more ways than I thought it could.
With regards to my injury and the studio, I’ve just got to keep being positive I suppose. Although it is hard, when all I want to be doing is training my arse off for the comps. To throw two brililant sayings together though, time is a great healer, and patience is a virtue. Says it all really doesn’t it.
On the GL front (or not, haha), all should be done with now. He saw me talking to one of the directors from work on Friday when I was upset, shit himself and then rang me at lunch. He was checking I was ok, aka covering his own arse. I told him I want nothing else to do with him, and that I wanted to walk away from the situation with what little dignity as I have left. He apologised, saying it wasn’t his intention to make me feel bad about myself. Fuck you, you silly cunt.
I am so looking forward to Zante now… I am feeling nothing but positive things about it. I cannot wait to get out of this shitty country and be with a lad who I actually want to spend some time with for a change. Spoke to Matt quite a lot over the last few days; He’s got Thursday, Friday and Sunday off work, and we’re getting a jeep on Friday so we can go bossing off around the island seeing the sights over the weekend too. Should be lovely.
A good friend of mine described what I was feeling as a ‘love vacuum stress’. She said I needed to curb the drinking and have some proper ‘take care of yourself’ time. This ‘good friend’ has only been a friend of mine for a matter of months. She was there to give out well-received advice when I needed it the most, and no matter what my troubles are, she is always there to tell me what needs to be told and her words will always be taken on board. You know who you are, so thank you, and thanks to everyone else who supports me and gives a fuck, even if it is only slightly, it means a lot.
Love you all Xx
Why?
I really can’t sort my head out at the moment. I am honestly having a complete lapse of self-confidence. I don’t know what I want to be doing, or who I want to be doing it with. Everthing seems to be dispersing around me and I don’t quite know why.
I’ve injured myself again… In May, I dropped into the splits from quite a height up the pole – Yes, I teach Pole Fitness, and yes, it will get it’s own blog at some point – and I damaged a muscle in my lower back which aggravated an old hip injury, and I tore a ligament in my groin. It took just over 2 months of intensive physio to get it right, I couldn’t pole at all and I definately couldn’t take any classes at the studio. I had to hand everything over to my girls, sit and home, and become untoned and unfit. I honestly hated every second of it, and it upset me a lot more than I ever let on. Working so hard to get to a certain level of strength and then losing it all so quickly is soul destroying… I was stretching on Tuesday and as a leant forward my left hip cracked twice and popped. I still can’t put weight on it. Went for emergency physio yesterday, and it’s back to square one.
As well as getting a promotion to full time 25k a year in my day job (thanks to GL) and gaining this aparently recurring injury again, little of my effort is going into the studio. Financially, I can afford to have it running and not actually teach there at all. But it upsets me so much to be in that mindframe. I used to fucking love teaching. But recently, especially with my advanced girls, it is just a massive kick in the balls to let me know how weak I’ve become. The fact that “You need to train” is the thought being thrust in my face makes me want to do it less… Where the fuck has my passion gone? I keep getting it back in dribs and drabs but nothing that spurs me like it used to.
GL has truly fucked my head up… Yes again. I don’t even have to speak to the man and he messes me up… Found out today he went home with another girl (from the office I work in – of course) last Friday. Truly gutted. Not heard from him since last Friday, and I’ve deleted his number. Although he honestly is one of the most arrogant and selfish men I have ever met, I feel like there’s a massive void inside my stomach whenever his name is mentioned. Because of this massive 6-month build up and no ‘reward’. I have honestly never met anybody who as made me feel as small and insignificant as he has, but I still wish he would get in touch. Most people won’t understand the logic behind it, but I want him to want me more than I want him – I’m well aware that’s never going to happen. It’s like this whole thing is completely dead in the water and I’m still at the side throwing it an inflatable fucking lifebelt.
I’m going to Zante next Thursday for a long weekend; Matt’s paid for my flight over there to visit him. I don’t know what people are meant to have… Hearts? Heads? Souls?… I think in my heart, I really have missed him since he’s been away. But is a two-week thing something I can base any judgement on? My thoughts are currently consumed with thinking about him, and being there with him, and what we’re going to do, blah blah blah. Something in my head is telling me it’s not good idea to go though, and I don’t know what it is. Maybe that I’m actually going over there for purely selfish reasons? Because what I need right now more than anything is to be around someone who will make me feel wanted and special, and i know he will do that? Maybe that I do genuinely miss him, and that a second goodbye will just make it worse?… I don’t know.
And I don’t know what I need to do to make me know anymore.
End of.
Drinking commenced at 5pm on Friday. I started strong and was getting through them quickly, and was soon on my way to becoming the biggest disgrace I had been in a long time. Happy days. Starting on double Malibu and coke’s, I moved to red wine and coke for the meal, had a few shots throughout the night, and I finished on vodka. (The ‘Company Credit Card’ paid for the majority of the drinks so I had a race against myself to see who could drink the most).
It was actually really nice getting to know the girls from the office – and by getting to know I mean drinking copious amounts of alcohol with a talking shit to each other about work and men… I kept my distance from GL for most of the evening, I had already said to myself that it wasn’t my aim to follow him around all night, and in hindsight I’m so glad I didn’t. His time was mainly consumed with buying shit-loads of champagne for some random girl from accounts, and going off to the toilet every 5 minutes to do Coke. I had a few interactions with him throughout the night. The first was when I took a cigarette out of his pocket without asking (because I had run out). He didn’t seem to mind me furtiling around in his front pocket too much to be fair… A while later he asked if me and him could go for a chat, I said “What? Now?” as I had just got myself a drink. He turned around and looked at the accounts bird, then looked back at me, “Give me half an hour?” I walked off… Then an hour or so after that he came upto me and asked if I was “ready for off then”. I told him that I hadn’t spoken to him all night – so no. The accounts girl knocked him back that night too, so he went off to Manchester on his own at about 2am to wank himself to sleep no doubt, or pay someone else to do it for him.
As my night became blurrier and we moved from place to place, I tried to shimmy up a lamp-post, did the splits on top of an umbrella which was in the middle of the dance floor in Barracuda (don’t ask), took photos of one of my work colleague pretending to bumfuck another colleague who was being sick by a pillar outside The Bar, and had several in depth chats with my boss – some of which I can never repeat again, and which has made the office uber-weird to work in now… I met a girl called Jen who was mates with one of the girls from work. She loved dancing with a dirty face on all the time and loved swooshing her dress up and showing her arse every time she span around. I knew who my dancing partner was instantly! At least two hours of my evening were consumed with having filth off’s with her on the dance floor, and with us escorting each other to the toilets so we could snort her Coke using my house key. What is it they say?… If you can’t beat them, join them. Well, I joined.
In a blurry haze I wandered outside and scabbed a fag off a lovely looking boy called Benjamin. He was off to Brazil the next morning to travel for a year – haha. Would you believe it?? Another one!… Don’t even get me bloody started. I gave him a little smooch as a thank you for the cig, arranged to meet him in J2 later, and stumbled back in side the bar. I didn’t meet him… When you have to have a word with yourself in a toilet cubicle, you know you’ve had more than enough. I got a taxi home, and am very proud to say that it was the only thing I paid for that night.
Obviously not feeling as if I had completely embarrassed myself, I text Corbett and asked if I could stop at his. I’d been texting him throughout the night anyway, with him telling me to “Stay away from the sleaze”, and I wasn’t meant to be stopping at home that night, so it seemed like a brilliant idea… He didn’t reply. With my plans of drunken harassment foiled, I went home, got undressed and got into bed only to receive a phone call off Corbett telling me he’d only just got my messages and that I could go to his if I wanted to. After quickly considering turning up to his in nothing but a flasher mac and some stockings and heels, I quickly decided it was not the best idea. We chatted for an hour about our nights (which I don’t really remember at all), and I’m pretty sure I fell asleep while he was talking to me at some point too.
The next morning, I had to get booked in to see the doctor because my throat felt like it was closing up completely. I just thought I was coming down and had a hangover… Apparently I have a “quite severe” throat and ear infection, and am currently on high dosage anti-biotics for the week. Hahaha. Love it.
304
From an average of about 30 page views a day, with the addition of my Revelations blog, yesterday I had a whopping 304! I really am interesting, haha… No seriously, thank you to everyone who is following. I will officially try my best to keep it just as juicy from now on. Nejjy will be sacrificing her self-respect for you all from this day forth…
To add… Tonight is the work meal and staff night out. GL was on the phone to me lastnight, trying to get on my good side. Saying all the stuff with the other girls in the office was way in the past and that he really likes me. He’s looking forward to spending some time with me tonight and thinks we need to have a chat to “sort it all out”… Blah blah blah. My work colleague Lisa knows a limited amount of what has gone on between me and him (I told her), but she knows enough to give me advice about it. She thinks I should get him to the point of nakedness, tie him up, take a picture, then steal his clothes and wallet and fuck off to do some online shopping with his credit card. I told her I’d see what I could do.
I’ve make the professional decision to start drinking at lunch time and then secretly drink in the toilets throughout the afternoon today. I may as well get a headstart seen as it is my aim of the night to be the office talking point on Monday morning! Sweet.
The other night, a male friend of a female friend of mine (who is fit by the way – I’m referring to the male), told me that every time he see’s my facebook status and photos I’m either on my way to go and be drunk, already drunk, or recovering from being drunk… He has nicknamed me the Lohan (i.e. Lindsay), and claims that I love rauch and booze. Brilliant.
So this evening, the Lohan is coming out in full fucking force! Updates and tales of my debauchery will be with you all tomorrow 
Revelations
For the past week, GL had been full on with the texting and phone calls (everything but physical contact). We’ve got a staff ‘do’ on Friday night. He told me he had a suite booked at the Hilton in Manchester, and he wondered if I’d like to go back there with him after the meal and a few drinks. I agreed. Part of me believed that even if I accepted his offer, it still probably wouldn’t happen. Much like the dozens or so other times he’d arranged to meet up with me and then had to cancel last minute. My initial objective of the night would be to stay out with the girls from work and get mashed up, and if anything looked like it was going to happen with GL, I’d meet him at the Hilton afterwards. That way my night wouldn’t have to revolve around relying on him.
He had been texting me last Thursday afternoon and evening while he was in London at a meeting. Telling me he was looking forward to Friday so much, and telling me what he was planning on doing with me. Sat in the pub, half tipsy with half a dozen of my friends having the banter, I wasn’t really in a position to start filthy texting him back, so when he said it was my turn and I declined, he reverted to the old “Just think, you came that close, and you’ve just missed your chance” nonsense… I reminded him he’d already used a similar line the week before and said I’d see him at work the next day.
**Potential Porno Plot** The following day, I was wearing my uber-tight grey pencil skirt, black heels, and white shirt which always has one too many buttons undone at the front, completely taking away it’s ‘appropriate for work wear’ factor (ahh well)… Bending forward over him desk to place down his coffee in front of him (strong, white, no sugar, and with a good dose of my saliva thrown in for good measure), he leant back in his chair looking me up and down and started with the flirting…
“Oh, thank you sweetheart. What would I do without you eh? You’re so good to me…”
“I know” I said… “And to think I came that close, and that I’ve had my last chance now… Such a shame eh.” He had a massive grin on his face, I flashed him a smile (although it felt more appropriate to flash my boobs the amount of sexual tension that was in the room) and I turned around to leave.
“You’ll never be on your last chance with me” he replied… Queue the porn music (bada-ba-bada-bowwww). He stood up and shut the door in front of me. Facing him he pressed me up against the wall and slowly moved his hand up my…. Ok, Ok… So that last bit didn’t happen. But it bloody should have done!
He rang me up on Saturday, checking I’d had a good week at work, how I was liking the promotion, and what I was upto over the weekend. Just a casual chat like a friend would have with another friend… weird. He asked if I would meet him on Sunday. I’ve known since May that he’s had a girlfriend, he said he could get away for a couple of hours to see me for a late lunch. Cutting it short, he cancelled that morning, saying that her Dad has got cancer and they were going to see him and he couldn’t get out of it. I didn’t reply. He text me again later saying how pissed off he was because he really wanted to see me but that he had to do the right thing… Hang on… For someone who’d only had this bird since May-ish, going on ‘cancer visits’ seemed a bit full on? There was obviously a lot more to this relationship than he ever let on.
I spoke to him on Tuesday night, and dragged as much info out of him as he was going to give me. He’d had this girlfriend for almost a year (meaning he’d lied to me when we first started talking), but he said it wasn’t working out. She kept sussing him when he was texting or calling me and she kept looking through his phone. He said that if he’s wanting to do stuff with me so much, it obviously wasn’t right with them, and that it would be finishing soon. You’d think that I’d be over the moon about this kind of talk but I really didn’t like it. The guilt started kicking in and I felt so shitty on her (even thought I didn’t even know the woman). Did he not give a shit that her dad had cancer? Was he just going to be using me as an excuse to leave her? Was he even going to leave her or was he just saying that to make me feel better about the situation??… Because it didn’t! I started to question the whole Friday night arrangement; even the slim chance of it actually happening worried me.
Yesterday at work, one of the girls got a disciplinary for skiving a day off work. She thought she was going to get fired, so in her ‘glory of leaving’ she decided to tell the entire office about the staff that GL had shagged. There was a few. Fair do’s, some were good looking girls, but some… Words do not describe the logic there. I text him when I got home lastnight. “Delete my number now. I don’t want anything to do with you at all. Good riddance.”
He’s already text me twice today.
Last Chance
Text conversation between me and GL last Thursday night at about half 11pm.
…
GL : What u upto
Nej : Not a lot, just unpacking. u?
GL : Fancy comin round now !
Nej : Not really. Why, you drunk?
GL : Yep. Come round will pay for taxi.
Nej : I’m good ta.
GL : Come on. We will have fun
Nej : I’m alright for drunken one night stands thanks.
GL : Its not one night. Promise. Take a chance xxx
Nej : No. See you at work.
GL : Wrong choice xx unlucky never again x
Nej : Ha, what a crying shame that is. Looks like we’ve both used up all our chances then.
GL : Come round x
…
I’ve not had any texts since but I get a massive smile and a wink off him eveytime we cross paths in the office. He’s just escorted me into the building with an umbrella and a sly hand around the waist.
Really? Does anyone else understand this man?? Because I really don’t!… Any perspective on this would be great. I am beyond confused.
But I still want to ride in the Bentley.
Too Much.
I’ve always been a very black and white kind of person, I’ve always said it how it is. I see it pointless speaking to people I don’t actually want to speak to and going out and playing Happy Families with every other cunt, even if I don’t actually like them in the slightest. If I talk to you, it’s because I like you, or because I want something from you… Simples *makes meer cat noise*.
My method of dealing with men at the moment is also very black and white. I tell them I’ve just got out of a four year relationship, and that I’m not planning on getting back into one anytime soon, so if they have a problem with that, just don’t take me out. However, since this new found approach has been used, I seem to have aquired a back-log of over needy, attention wanting boys/men… Is it because of the whole, wanting what you can’t have thing? Because I thought only girls got that… I’ve since received numerous Facebook messages or texts, not declaring love, but declaring a little too much attachment than I’d have liked to hear. No, I do not want to hear how beautiful I am and what a great personality I have. And no, I do not feel the same.
This sort of behaviour has only ever had an effect on me once since the split, and that was with Matt. And I’m pretty sure that was just because it was the rebound and I was not in full control of my feelings and therefore unable to hold them back… *the stone-hearted bitch steps down from her soapbox* haha. I’ve made my excuse for that one now… So I’ll move on.
To put a similar situation forward which is the other way around, I have a ‘relationship’ with one of the company directors at work. This relationship basically consists of him bombarding me with offers of trips to London, Premiership football games, and expensive meals out, for a few weeks/months while I constantly reel off the ” I have to work at the studio”, “I’m too tired” and “I’ve already have plans”… I’m not sure what it is… I don’t think it’s the age gap, or the fact he may have “old balls” as my Wifey so nicely puts it. There’s just a part of me that, even though he’s hot, rich and extremely powerful (in a kind of Gordon Rasey domination way… mmmm), I would have to walk around that office afterwards thinking “He has seen my fanny”…
Whenever the time comes where I think fuck it, I might as well take him up on one of these offers, all of a sudden he’s “got the kids for the weekend”, “the boys are coming round” or he “has a meeting”… On a Sunday… Really?? Up until quite recently I honestly believed that at some point he would take me out and that stuff might have happened, but I’ve most realistically come to terms with that fact that he is in fact just a massive fanny tease and loves the chase, and the chase alone. Yea… we’ll see which tease wins this war then shall we, while I’m sauntering around the office in my tight skirt and a pencil in my mouth, bending over to check the paper tray in the photocopier.
Seems that I’m doing the same thing as the over needy, attention wanting boys/men i mentioned previously, and regardless of the vicious circle I find myself in with this man. I can’t help but keep repeating the same pattern every few weeks with him. No, no, no, yes?… Oh, no.
I would ruin him anyway, he’s older than me and most probably has little to no stamina.
End of.
