Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
After a very recent argument with the wife, and after recieving a similar themed comment on one of my blogs (Car Parks), the weekend had me in a rather reflective mood. Although my shenanigans whilst out on Friday and Saturday continued as normal, looking back at my past, present and future, I can’t help but ponder over their justifications for saying the things they have to/about me.
A long time ago, when I didn’t have the balls to end a relationship which was rutted and doomed, I developed a sort of defense mechanism to protect myself against it. At the start of the relationship I was young, immature and obsessed. I would have done anything he asked and I honestly thought I was in love with him. He controlled every aspect of my life, my friends, family, work… This was all up until the night where he thought he was within his right to slap me round the face because I’d suggested going out with my mates… My priorities moved quickly from pleasing him to pleasing myself, and nobody else. The defense mechanism I used was one where I lied to him and cheated on him. I kissed other lads on nights out, or I’d tell him I was at home or at school when I was round at someone else’s house. Sex wasn’t a massive part of it, although it was present. It was more about the deceit for me, and I got a kick out of doing something I knew he would hate.
At that time, I never got any other gratification from it all apart from the spite factor. I never came out of it feeling better about myself, I was always depressed. I never felt wanted and I never felt like I was liked by any of the lads I got off with. I ‘used’ them to make a point, although in the end it was me who was being used, I’m well aware of that now. It was because I played it wrong. With the hidden agenda came an over-emotional attachment, so I never had the upper hand. Living and learning has got me through a lot in life. I wasn’t particularly naive back then, but I am definitely a lot more ‘street smart’ and a lot wiser to men and their tricks now-a-days.
To quote : “This guy isn’t only a weirdo, it sounds like he is using you, possibly because you let him (but why? low self esteem? maybe for some kind of bizarre experiment?)”…
Reaction : My blogs may come across as if I’m looking for love, and being knocked back every step along the way, but the truth is actually quite the opposite. I have just been in a relationship for 4 years, which I ended, and before that, I was in one for 2. At the moment, I have no interest in having anything more than something casual. That doesn’t mean I’m having a flurry of one night stands, that means I meet up with them as and when WE both want to and I make sure nothing too serious comes of it. I pursue them as much as they pursue me. And I only feel the need to blog the occasional weirdo or confusing situation… This whole blogging idea would be dull if it documented my ‘nice’ and ‘pleasant’ dates. Zzzzzzz.
To clarify, I really do not have low self esteem. Sometimes I may drop my standards, but that’s because that’s what I want to do. Not because there’s nothing better for me. I know I’m hot. I know I could probably get myself a nice boyfriend who’d be really nice to me, treat me well and wants to settle down, but I just got rid of one of them, and the reason for that was because I wasn’t ready to settle down. As much as it hurt him, I obviously needed to get all this out of my system in one way or another.
To quote : “Have you thought about just kind of fasting from men for 3 months? did me the world of good.”
Response : Each to their own… and no disrespect… But I’m good ta.
This behavior may be another defense mechanism for me, but I’m really happy at the moment. I love the attention. I don’t feel used and I don’t feel like I’m yearning for more from any of them. If they don’t like me, I don’t care… There’s plenty more fish in the sea. If they don’t want to see me, that’s fine… If I don’t keep in touch with them, that’s fine. Some things work out, some don’t… The day I start feeling sad, or like I’m not quite getting what I want out of this arrangement, will be the day I stop.
Until then… Viva la Randoms. Xx
Car Parks
I met up with Adam lastnight, a good friend of Karl, the lad/man I did ‘lunch’ with about a month ago. It was all a bit hush hush because neither he nor I wanted Karl to find out we’d met up. Well… I didn’t really want ANYONE to know we’d met up but I just went with the Karl thing… He picked me up after I’d finished work at the studio. He took me to McDonalds for a McFlurry, and then to a very romantic badly-lit car park to “have a chat”.
I knew he was a sarcastic and very dry humoured person, like all the time, but I liked it because he made me laugh. But there were times when I didn’t know if he was being serious or not. I’d be there laughing my arse off about something he’d just said, then I’d look up and he’d have a proper serious face on. I’d apologise, feeling really bad, and then he’d smile and say he was only joking. I knew after a couple of times of this happening that I should take pretty much everything he said and did with a pinch of salt.
He was a decent kisser, a ‘face-holder’ as I like to call them. He put the moves on me pretty much as soon as we parked up and I’d finished stuffing my face with the McLoveliness. Bit of chair reclining, bit of over/and a bit under the clothes action, then he was ‘done’. After some what of a clean-up kafuffle, he started saying things like “You can’t tell anyone about this, ‘cos if Pearce (Karl’s surname) finds out about this, he’ll kill me”. I was like “He won’t kill you. And I’m not planning on telling anyone anyway”. His mood turned to a more aggressive one and he replied with “Well he best not find out so make sure you just keep your fucking mouth shut”.
I was a little bit stunned to be honest, didn’t know if he was joking or being genuine. I asked him if he had actually just spoken to me like that or if he was messing around, and he started making out like it was me with the issue and didn’t know why I was making a big deal out of it. I told him to take me home. I wasn’t scared being there with him or anything, I didn’t feel threatened, I just didn’t want to be around him after he’d spoken to me like that. On the drive home he apologised and said he didn’t mean for it to come across as aggressive and that he was only joking, but then he carried on being a dick. I wasn’t laughing this time though. He’d clearly had some kind of post-come emotional breakdown or something. I’d never seen anyone switch so fast. And if he was genuinely concerned about hurting his friends feelings, who apparently “liked me a lot”, then why did he meet up with me in the first place. It was his effort, not mine…
Fuck me, why the hell was I still attracted to him after that?? I got out of the car thinking “I should have given him a kiss goodnight”… I think I have serious issues. He rang me when he got in but I didn’t have a lot to say so the conversation was cut short and I went to bed. Not spoken to him since. Yet another crazy one to put on the Nejjy pull-list. I’m actually quite a decent person, why do I attract such weirdo’s??
