Single in 2010

Nathan.

March 19, 2010 at 12:47 pm (Boys, Nathan, Sex, The Past)

Not sure if this vent is going to beneficial to me, but this whole thing needed to be documented I suppose… For the past 4-5 months I was in a relationship with the boy that I mentioned in my last blog, Nathan. We started our relationship purely physical, but we seemed to like eachother very much. Natural progression led us into a relationship, and we started as ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ in September.

It started off well, he was fun to be with, and I loved spending time with him. We could go out and have a laugh like the best of friends, then go home and fuck like the best of the Karma Sutra. Bliss.

When I first met him, he had what we jokingly called a ‘fan club’; a selection of girls on Facebook that he would flirt with occasionally. A bit like a group that he knew he could get attention from as and when he wanted it, but nothing more, apparently. It soon turned out that some of the scenarios he’d got himself into in the past with a handful of these girls were much more ‘serious’ than he’d made out. More often than not, I would hear about these encounters from his friends drunkenly slipping up on nights out. Nathan decided to keep these snippets of information to himself, only fessing up after I had found out from somebody else. This happened about once or twice a week, all very insignificant to begin with, but it all started mounting up. Baring in mind the fact he was still 19 at this point, I think I gave him the benefit of the doubt far too much that he wasn’t yet trained in the art of a mature and trust-filled relationship. The stories about his ex-girlfriend and her violence, surprise abortions, and cheating were enough for me to feel a certain amount of pity towards him that he hadn’t had a decent girl before.

The rowing continued, and the most frustrating part was that I wasn’t mad at all about what he had kept from me, just that he had decided to keep it from me at all in the first place. Rows got worse when I had given him opportunities to be honest about things, he’d lie, and then I’d find out the truth some other way. So then I wasn’t angry about things being withheld or ‘forgotten’, I was mad because he was a liar. It changed things in my head a lot. Logical minds would ask why I didn’t just bail straight away, but to be honest, I don’t think I saw quite how intense it all was because I was so closely involved with it. If I’d have had the chance to take a step back I’d have probably ran a mile.

Trust issues aside (and please don’t think I’m brushing them off as nothing, they are the most important thing to me in a relationship), everything else was fine. He was a normal 19 year old so I made allowances for immaturity etc. The affection and attention he gave me was exactly what I needed, and I wasn’t in a position to let it go so easily. His constant betrayal of my trust had knocked my confidence, I hate to admit it, and I wasn’t strong enough to go. I wouldn’t have had closure, I’d have just missed him and ended up going back to him. He never cheated on me, never did anything behind my back when I was with him, it was all his past that kept creeping up on us, and I felt like I couldn’t punish him in the present for the things that had happened before me.

We spent Christmas and New Year together; my parents were away so he lived in for a couple of weeks. It seemed we got on perfectly when there was nothing else around us. I see now, and I also saw at the time, that this was not a realistic relationship, where everything else had to be taken out of the frame for us to work properly, but it was nice to have a break from all his past bullshit.

Things continued to be good with us, with the occasional new situation from his past coming into light every week or so, but it stopped phasing me after a while. He turned 20 in January. I knew I didn’t trust him, and that I was just working around it to keep myself happy and attended to. I don’t know why, but it was a free and convenient supply of sex and affection. I think I was waiting for a big explosive ending, to kill it. I wouldn’t have been able to walk any other way.

What caused this was yet more lying, but this time about the drugs he had taken on a night out with his mates. I finished my bar job at 1.30am, and met him out so we could both go back to his. He was fucked off his face, saying his mates had given him Ketamine when he thought it was Bubble, and that he’d had too much of it. Turns out, the truth was that it was HIS Ketamine that he’d shared with his pals, and he’d just done too much… I’m not against drugs, not in the slightest. I’ve always believed people can do what they like, but the lies had branched out to our present relationship. Why he felt the need to lie about what he’d been on, I will never understand. I walked.

The past month or so has been a blur of 100s of missed calls, messages, emails, flower deliveries, unplanned visits to my house, me eventually changing my mobile number, and blocking him on facebook and twitter.

The trouble I had trying to cut this off was that I was feeling so lonely, and that a (stupid) part of my head was always thinking, maybe he did this for this reason, and maybe he said this because of this… I went out on Wednesday night and bumped into his baghead of an ex-girlfriend (What a munter… He’s not the best to look at but how he even maintained an erection with that girl is beyond me), and an old pulling partner of his from last year. My god, were they keen to tell me some stuff about him?! He’d apparently been telling his ex how much he still loved her the previous weekend, saying they should get back together. Obviously, I took everything they said with a pinch of salt, but it all added up. The other stuff they told me, about how he was with them in the past, filled in the gaps in my head that had caused me to doubt leaving him. I was guilt free and seeking some seriously heartless and twisted revenge.

*WARNING… GUILT FREE ZONE… NO REMORSE FELT*

I rang him that night (I withheld my number, obviously) and arranged to meet up with him the next day after work. I told him we needed to sort it out, and that all this wasn’t right, that I missed him. He was so happy to hear from me… I went round the next day and started strong with the full-on emotion and affection, he was all over me, and I would have gone as far as having sex with him before I did what I did, but I was on my period… We sat on his bed cuddling, talking about how we could sort it out, how much he loved me and how happy he was that I was giving him another chance, that he’d been happy all day. And then I told him… Everything! Everything new I’d found out from his ex, everything that he’d told me before that was bullshit, that I’d found the truth about. I completely let rip, shouting, pointing in his lying face. I gave him a chance to be truthful and explain it all but he tried in vain to bullshit his way out of it.

I picked up my bag and he tried to block the door so I couldn’t leave his house, saying I couldn’t do it to him, saying he couldn’t go on without me. I barged past and it caused a massive shovey-pushy fight as he tried to stop me. He started crying and threw himself forward and onto me, he fell onto his knees and grabbed onto my hips, and I had to do one of those ‘kick a little dog away’ actions with my leg to get him off me. It was like a fucking comedy sketch, and I couldn’t help but have a massive smirk on my face the whole time as I saw him break down.

Eventually getting past, he told me he loved me. I said I was really glad that he did, because I felt nothing for him anymore, not one morsel of guilt or obligation, and that I wanted it to be so hard for him. I told him that he wouldn’t hear from me again, that I feel so sorry for him that he had ruined something so perfect for him, and that he had to live with that from now on. I left.

I’ve never felt better. There’s not one scrap of remorse inside me for what I did. He had it coming, all his months of bullshit. I’m so glad I did it. And would recommend the ‘complete head-fuck and destroy’ technique to all those in a one-sided relationship.

Onwards and upwards…

Nejjy xx