Convenience
I have pondered a lot over this recently. Thinking about how the more convenient we find something, the more it can alter our true perception of it, and it makes us more likely to settle for medicre rather than strive for something better…
I find I have always been a sucker for the more convenient relationships rather than the one’s with real substance, and throughout my life have constantly used the convenience to my ‘advantage’. The day Saul left, after we’d said our goodbyes and decided not to speak to eachother, I slept with Adi. Adi was my very first, a long time ago, and since then has been a regular ‘attention-diverter’ when I’ve needed him to be. Although I would never be with this lad in anymore than a bedroom sense (he has way too many issues, and I can do a lot better), he was, and always has been very convenient for me. And even better, I know he’s a decent enough shag… I’ve been shagging him for the past 9 years. He knows me, and I know him. It’s simple and easy, no complications and no aftermath to deal with.
After recently taking a liking to the young’uns, I met my youngest conquest, Nathan. He’s 19, lives at home, and goes to college through the week…Bless. A totally future-less relationship, and one which I carry on purely for selfish reasons, I’m well aware of this. As I’ve already said to a few of my friends, I think he’s too young to be hot, in any sense of the word, but what we have is such an easy and convenient arrangement I see no point in putting an end to it… Due to the fact I know he likes me (quite a bit more than I like him), I have the upper hand. He’s made it pretty clear that I don’t have to make any commitment to him, that he likes spending time with me and seeing me and the rest of the time I can do what I want. And this lad is a trooper in the sack, he will honestly stop at nothing till I’m ‘pleased’ and I have to give him practically nothing in return. Perfect.
However, I find myself liking him, and occasionally giving a shit about what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with (a number one ‘no-no’ in any casual sex situation). Not as much as I have done other people recently, but still, I can’t help but wonder if this is just because he likes me so much? And because I know I don’t really have to take the whole thing too seriously?… He’s a good lad, we have a lot in common, but my head knows for a fact that we’d never go anywhere serious. Aside from anything, I could never fess up to my mates that I was in a committed situation with someone 4 years my senior… It would be ridiculous.
Why the fuck am I drawn to relationships which blatantly have no future?! All of my latest choices have either been leaving, taken, or completely under my league… For now though, me and him seem to work. Until one of us takes it too seriously I suppose, then I’ll be stopping it. And something tells me that’s not too far off.
