Onwards and Upwards
Since my ‘confrontational ending’ with Nathan last week, the emails have continued (from him to me, not the other way around). I tried blocking his address on my Hotmail account but for some reason they keep coming through.. How ironic. Yesterday I received an email saying “I’m sorry”, and 20mins later had a rather lovely visit to my house from the police regarding his apparent ‘concern for the wellfare of himself and his family’… What the fuck?! I explained the situation, that he was a compulsive liar and a druggie, and as they left they apologised for wasting my time, haha… If that was his masterplan to get me to speak to him again, something tells me that’s not going to work. He’s completley lost the plot.
I sent him a phoney email this morning, saying that I had contacted a solicitor about his harrassment, and that any future contact would mean he would be served with a court order, which would lead to an eventual injunction against him. Hopefully he’ll get the point and leave me the fuck alone now! As my Dad so smuggly pointed out, I really don’t know how I pick them! I always end up with the psychos, or turn them all psycho. I’m not sure which is worse.
Looking onwards and upwards, as the post in entitled, Air Force One gets back from his 5-month Saudi stint on Friday. I don’t really know what to think about it all. He has been in touch regularly since being over there, just chit-chat, nothing too serious, and he even came back for a couple of days over Valentine’s weekend, but at that time I was still in a semi-relationship with young fuck-face. AF1 came into the bar worked in, complete surprise, bless him, and he asked me what my plans were for Valentine’s Day. I completely fobbed him off. And I’m not one for regrets, but I completely wish I had have taken him up on his offer now. Hindsight is a beautiful thing!
After this, he didn’t get in touch at all for a couple of weeks, until I chirped up with an apology for being such a dick. Now he’s coming back, and I DO want to meet up with him, I’m not sure how it’s going to pan out. Incase he can’t be arsed with me, and my lack of enthusiasm with his last effort etc. I’ve told him I want to see him though, and he’s vaguely suggested meeting up for a few drinks, but nothings set in stone. We’ll have to see. Plus, he’s only back for 3 weeks. I want to make the most of him, haha.
In other areas of my life, I’ve been working for the NHS in Accrington for the past 6 months. And in 5 weeks and 6 day (not that I’m counting), I will be venturing to the Greek island of Zante with my beautiful wife Miss Wigman, for 5 WHOLE MONTHS!… Yep, we’re going to work the full season and then hopefully venture back through Europe with a few stop offs along the way! Things are looking up. I’m feeling really positive, and the time in the UK is flying by. Still got quite a lot of prep to do for going, selling my car and sorting my travel insurance etc, but our flights and accommodation are sorted so we’re good to go really 
Went over to Dunny’s flat in Manchester on Sunday night for a messy gathering. Planned to go to Sankeys but it turned out that it’s not open every Sunday, only for ticketed events, so we went to Mojo’s on Deansgate instead. Had such a good night with some truly brilliant friends. And there was not one ounce of beef, which is always lovely. We’ve got a Banter Brigade meal planned this Friday night at Casa Tapas, and then onto Burnley, where hopefully AF1 will be ready for me to pounce on him. Haha!
“And I’m feeling good…”
xx
Nathan.
Not sure if this vent is going to beneficial to me, but this whole thing needed to be documented I suppose… For the past 4-5 months I was in a relationship with the boy that I mentioned in my last blog, Nathan. We started our relationship purely physical, but we seemed to like eachother very much. Natural progression led us into a relationship, and we started as ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ in September.
It started off well, he was fun to be with, and I loved spending time with him. We could go out and have a laugh like the best of friends, then go home and fuck like the best of the Karma Sutra. Bliss.
When I first met him, he had what we jokingly called a ‘fan club’; a selection of girls on Facebook that he would flirt with occasionally. A bit like a group that he knew he could get attention from as and when he wanted it, but nothing more, apparently. It soon turned out that some of the scenarios he’d got himself into in the past with a handful of these girls were much more ‘serious’ than he’d made out. More often than not, I would hear about these encounters from his friends drunkenly slipping up on nights out. Nathan decided to keep these snippets of information to himself, only fessing up after I had found out from somebody else. This happened about once or twice a week, all very insignificant to begin with, but it all started mounting up. Baring in mind the fact he was still 19 at this point, I think I gave him the benefit of the doubt far too much that he wasn’t yet trained in the art of a mature and trust-filled relationship. The stories about his ex-girlfriend and her violence, surprise abortions, and cheating were enough for me to feel a certain amount of pity towards him that he hadn’t had a decent girl before.
The rowing continued, and the most frustrating part was that I wasn’t mad at all about what he had kept from me, just that he had decided to keep it from me at all in the first place. Rows got worse when I had given him opportunities to be honest about things, he’d lie, and then I’d find out the truth some other way. So then I wasn’t angry about things being withheld or ‘forgotten’, I was mad because he was a liar. It changed things in my head a lot. Logical minds would ask why I didn’t just bail straight away, but to be honest, I don’t think I saw quite how intense it all was because I was so closely involved with it. If I’d have had the chance to take a step back I’d have probably ran a mile.
Trust issues aside (and please don’t think I’m brushing them off as nothing, they are the most important thing to me in a relationship), everything else was fine. He was a normal 19 year old so I made allowances for immaturity etc. The affection and attention he gave me was exactly what I needed, and I wasn’t in a position to let it go so easily. His constant betrayal of my trust had knocked my confidence, I hate to admit it, and I wasn’t strong enough to go. I wouldn’t have had closure, I’d have just missed him and ended up going back to him. He never cheated on me, never did anything behind my back when I was with him, it was all his past that kept creeping up on us, and I felt like I couldn’t punish him in the present for the things that had happened before me.
We spent Christmas and New Year together; my parents were away so he lived in for a couple of weeks. It seemed we got on perfectly when there was nothing else around us. I see now, and I also saw at the time, that this was not a realistic relationship, where everything else had to be taken out of the frame for us to work properly, but it was nice to have a break from all his past bullshit.
Things continued to be good with us, with the occasional new situation from his past coming into light every week or so, but it stopped phasing me after a while. He turned 20 in January. I knew I didn’t trust him, and that I was just working around it to keep myself happy and attended to. I don’t know why, but it was a free and convenient supply of sex and affection. I think I was waiting for a big explosive ending, to kill it. I wouldn’t have been able to walk any other way.
What caused this was yet more lying, but this time about the drugs he had taken on a night out with his mates. I finished my bar job at 1.30am, and met him out so we could both go back to his. He was fucked off his face, saying his mates had given him Ketamine when he thought it was Bubble, and that he’d had too much of it. Turns out, the truth was that it was HIS Ketamine that he’d shared with his pals, and he’d just done too much… I’m not against drugs, not in the slightest. I’ve always believed people can do what they like, but the lies had branched out to our present relationship. Why he felt the need to lie about what he’d been on, I will never understand. I walked.
The past month or so has been a blur of 100s of missed calls, messages, emails, flower deliveries, unplanned visits to my house, me eventually changing my mobile number, and blocking him on facebook and twitter.
The trouble I had trying to cut this off was that I was feeling so lonely, and that a (stupid) part of my head was always thinking, maybe he did this for this reason, and maybe he said this because of this… I went out on Wednesday night and bumped into his baghead of an ex-girlfriend (What a munter… He’s not the best to look at but how he even maintained an erection with that girl is beyond me), and an old pulling partner of his from last year. My god, were they keen to tell me some stuff about him?! He’d apparently been telling his ex how much he still loved her the previous weekend, saying they should get back together. Obviously, I took everything they said with a pinch of salt, but it all added up. The other stuff they told me, about how he was with them in the past, filled in the gaps in my head that had caused me to doubt leaving him. I was guilt free and seeking some seriously heartless and twisted revenge.
*WARNING… GUILT FREE ZONE… NO REMORSE FELT*
I rang him that night (I withheld my number, obviously) and arranged to meet up with him the next day after work. I told him we needed to sort it out, and that all this wasn’t right, that I missed him. He was so happy to hear from me… I went round the next day and started strong with the full-on emotion and affection, he was all over me, and I would have gone as far as having sex with him before I did what I did, but I was on my period… We sat on his bed cuddling, talking about how we could sort it out, how much he loved me and how happy he was that I was giving him another chance, that he’d been happy all day. And then I told him… Everything! Everything new I’d found out from his ex, everything that he’d told me before that was bullshit, that I’d found the truth about. I completely let rip, shouting, pointing in his lying face. I gave him a chance to be truthful and explain it all but he tried in vain to bullshit his way out of it.
I picked up my bag and he tried to block the door so I couldn’t leave his house, saying I couldn’t do it to him, saying he couldn’t go on without me. I barged past and it caused a massive shovey-pushy fight as he tried to stop me. He started crying and threw himself forward and onto me, he fell onto his knees and grabbed onto my hips, and I had to do one of those ‘kick a little dog away’ actions with my leg to get him off me. It was like a fucking comedy sketch, and I couldn’t help but have a massive smirk on my face the whole time as I saw him break down.
Eventually getting past, he told me he loved me. I said I was really glad that he did, because I felt nothing for him anymore, not one morsel of guilt or obligation, and that I wanted it to be so hard for him. I told him that he wouldn’t hear from me again, that I feel so sorry for him that he had ruined something so perfect for him, and that he had to live with that from now on. I left.
I’ve never felt better. There’s not one scrap of remorse inside me for what I did. He had it coming, all his months of bullshit. I’m so glad I did it. And would recommend the ‘complete head-fuck and destroy’ technique to all those in a one-sided relationship.
Onwards and upwards…
Nejjy xx
Convenience
I have pondered a lot over this recently. Thinking about how the more convenient we find something, the more it can alter our true perception of it, and it makes us more likely to settle for medicre rather than strive for something better…
I find I have always been a sucker for the more convenient relationships rather than the one’s with real substance, and throughout my life have constantly used the convenience to my ‘advantage’. The day Saul left, after we’d said our goodbyes and decided not to speak to eachother, I slept with Adi. Adi was my very first, a long time ago, and since then has been a regular ‘attention-diverter’ when I’ve needed him to be. Although I would never be with this lad in anymore than a bedroom sense (he has way too many issues, and I can do a lot better), he was, and always has been very convenient for me. And even better, I know he’s a decent enough shag… I’ve been shagging him for the past 9 years. He knows me, and I know him. It’s simple and easy, no complications and no aftermath to deal with.
After recently taking a liking to the young’uns, I met my youngest conquest, Nathan. He’s 19, lives at home, and goes to college through the week…Bless. A totally future-less relationship, and one which I carry on purely for selfish reasons, I’m well aware of this. As I’ve already said to a few of my friends, I think he’s too young to be hot, in any sense of the word, but what we have is such an easy and convenient arrangement I see no point in putting an end to it… Due to the fact I know he likes me (quite a bit more than I like him), I have the upper hand. He’s made it pretty clear that I don’t have to make any commitment to him, that he likes spending time with me and seeing me and the rest of the time I can do what I want. And this lad is a trooper in the sack, he will honestly stop at nothing till I’m ‘pleased’ and I have to give him practically nothing in return. Perfect.
However, I find myself liking him, and occasionally giving a shit about what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with (a number one ‘no-no’ in any casual sex situation). Not as much as I have done other people recently, but still, I can’t help but wonder if this is just because he likes me so much? And because I know I don’t really have to take the whole thing too seriously?… He’s a good lad, we have a lot in common, but my head knows for a fact that we’d never go anywhere serious. Aside from anything, I could never fess up to my mates that I was in a committed situation with someone 4 years my senior… It would be ridiculous.
Why the fuck am I drawn to relationships which blatantly have no future?! All of my latest choices have either been leaving, taken, or completely under my league… For now though, me and him seem to work. Until one of us takes it too seriously I suppose, then I’ll be stopping it. And something tells me that’s not too far off.
Heart Failure : Do Not Resuscitate
Long time no blog, I’m sure you’ll all agree. I’ve had a lot on to say the least… Life over the past month has been a haze of online job searching, fall-outs with some of my nearest and dearest, a near-love experience, and an shockingly high volume of alcohol consumption.
Let’s start with the online job searching… YES THATS RIGHT, I LOST MY FUCKING JOB… They made me redundant, paid me till the end of the month, and sent me on my merry way there and then. Been looking for a job since but there is absolutely nothing decent around. Not even anything that I’d be happy to settle with. I am very seriously considering fucking off to somewhere new, squatting in someone’s spare room, and trying my best to sort my bloody life out… Oh Stormmmmmyyyy! Haha. The plan to go away next year is completely on now, if it doesn’t come sooner. I refuse to stay here for much longer. *throws toys out of pram*
Through my recent ‘ploughing’ of young boys who have come and gone quite rapidly – all my choice, mainly due to their immaturity (shocking for boys with an average age of 20, i know), and also due to my brilliantly selfish “i got what I want out of you and now I’m done with you” mentality, I bagged myself a new boy on Bank Holiday Sunday… Saul was the friend of a friend who originally branded me ‘Lohan’ and told me that I thrived on debauchery and raunch = instant attraction… Although my original intentions were to force my face upon his that evening (which I did), get him to take me out (which he did) and then ruin him sexually beyond all psychological repair (which I did NOT), I ended up liking him, a lot. 
Fuck it, it was far too much. We just seemed to click and the tables seemed to turn quite quickly for me for reasons unknown and I started to get snuggly and soppy (NOT ME AT ALL). What I wanted (i.e. a fuck), in fact wasn’t what I wanted from him at all – so sex was put on the back burner, and although it would have been nice to be physically closer to him before he went away, it really wasn’t that important. I’ve never been less bothered about not getting my way as I was with him, because it felt like the other stuff was enough… As fairytale-ish as this is sounding, let’s not forget, this situation does involve me, and much like most of the good’uns I’ve had a slight attraction to in the past, he’s leaving the Valley for bigger and better things. He’s fucking off to the opposite side of the country to go to Plymouth for 4 years for Uni… Clearly bitter.
He left this afternoon, but our goodbye was on Tuesday. It was traumatic. We made the decision to leave what had happened as just that, and to not carry anything on once he’d moved. An odd conversation for us both to have considering not that much had actually happened, but we were both left messed and headfucked… Being fair, I did actually want him to have a clean slate when he got there. Being selfish, I wanted to lay claims on him even though he was away, and I wanted him to have claims on me too. He had said he didn’t want me to have to be committed to him when he wasn’t around, but I would have been in a flash if he’d have wanted me to be. Deep down I wish he could have been a prince charming type that came and swept me off my feet so I wouldn’t feel the need to carry on with the others, and to wean me off my plethora of boy-poon. But maybe this was as good as it was because it was doomed from the start. Maybe if he was staying around, we wouldn’t have got on so well. Acchh, who am I trying to convince… I think he could have ‘saved me’, but Im beginning to feel like I’m unsaveable…. My god, I’ve missed venting on here!
The repetitive days of bed-dwelling and daytime TV watching throughout the week have caused me to start over-thinking EVERYTHING. Not like me at all, I’m normally very black and white… At the beginning of my unemployment, i was feeling quite positive about my life, the volume of boy-poon I was attracting, and pretty much all my relationships with friends and family. I have since turned into a complete emo bitch… Jeremy Kyle gives me hope, I’ve decided. It may be a pile of dogshit with some silly old chump who talks about the same nonsense, reciting the same lines every day, but whenever I watch it I feel a hell of a lot better about myself. It seems there is always somebody who is a lot worse off than I am.
Now to lift out of my pit of depression… on the plus side, i got through the first stage of the process and my naked self will be displayed on the Suicide Girls website on October the 23rd… YEEESSSSSSS!! Teaser photos coming soon bitches.
Nejjy xx
You Win Some, You Lose Some.
So I woke up this morning, and got a phone call off my boss. He said there was a load of stuff “going off” at the office and that I should come in later, and call before I was about to leave. I rang at half 9, and he said to not come in at all, that they’d been doing some internal investigations and found some stuff out and that I couldn’t be in the office at all today… He said “Don’t worry, you’re still getting paid for today”, I told him I didn’t care and asked if my job was in danger. He said he couldn’t discuss it with me and that he’d call me after lunch.
We’ve had a quiet month there so they may well be cutting back. But thats no reason for me to not be allowed in today is it? They must be checking my computer or something. I go on Facebook at work but Chris knows that, and I get all my work done, so it shouldn’t be that. Unless they’ve found the Suicide Girls site in my browser history and think I’m just looking at porn all day, haha… And I doubt this has anything to do with GL. I don’t even know what to think. I really like working there. Even though it is an inbred little place, I get on well with everyone and apart from all the grief with GL, I’ve not had any trouble with anything else.
I suppose if they sack me, I can just as easily get any other admin or PA job. Its not that big a deal. I hate to be cynical straight from the word ‘Go’ but I’m really not feeling too positive about the whole thing.
In the ‘love/lust’ aspect of my life, things went tits up with Matt. The girl who he slept with over there, that he’d met up with in England beforehand, he was actually sleepING with, and carried on after I left Zante. Haha, you’ve got to love it. Thank GOD I didn’t mention anything to him about it being serious and being committed to eachother while he was over there… His mate Adam aka Cheese came home last week and we went out on the drink last Saturday. He said it was completely out of character for Matt to do something like that, and not be honest and upfront about it with me. He said Me and Matt would be able to sort it all out when he gets back… I don’t want to sort it out, there’s nothing to sort out! Matt can’t have his cake and eat it; have some chubby teenager over there as a regular cos it’s nice and convenient for him, then when he’s home move back on to me. I think not.
^^^ REALLY??? HER OVER ME????? ^^^
I don’t think I’d even care if he hadn’t have been saying all that stuff to be before and while he was there at the start… He text me last Saturday saying he wishes he was cuddled up with me and that he missed me. I told him saying stuff like that to me wasn’t very fair when he was pretty much in a relationship with someone over there. He told me he didn’t know where I’d got that from but it wasn’t true, and that he couldn’t wait to come home for a few days. I told him I wasn’t stupid, and that if I’d have known about her, I would never have come over. He should have told me.
He’s back tomorrow and then going to Italy for his Step-Sisters wedding on Saturday. I asked Cheese to get my bikini off him when he takes him to the airport on Saturday. I don’t even want to see him anymore. Nothing will get resolved even if I did. He has completely fucked it up for himself.
On the flip side, and looking at things positively for a change… I have a date with a some new boy-poon tomorrow night, Shelton. Yummy little half-black 20 year old ex-professional Welsh Premiership football player. He’s moved up here to try and get a place at Man City. He’s asked me round to his for a pizza and a DVD. I love that. “You wanna come over to watch a DVD?”… We all know what it means. I doubt I will do anything like that with him though, not on the first ‘date’… I’m being careful with who I’m giving it up to after Matt. I think I trusted him far too easily. My guard is now officially and indefinitely UP!
And… Me and The Wife have booked our Wife World Tour Part 2 to MALLORCA!!! 24th September, I cannot wait. 4 days of chilling on a beach during the day, partying at night. I can’t wait. Plus, my lovely bird Soooooooziiiieeeeee will be out there when we are too! Whoop!
p.s. Suicide Girls set photos coming very very soooooon… Xx
Weirdos.
Since I started writing this blog, I set up a Myspace and Twitter account under my pseudonym ‘Nejjy’. This was just so the blog could have a bit of publicity, without me having to put it on my personal facebook profile, and no doubt drawing the attention of the people I’d written about, so that they’d inevitably end up reading it – too much hassle thank you.
Since the first day I set up the accounts, I have been bombarded with messages from absolute weirdos. Men (and a couple of women!) who always want to know a little bit too much about me, and ask ever so slightly inappropriate questions. I don’t mind flirting, but there seems to be a fine line between inuendo and blatant harassment. Some of these guys message me everyday, and I have NEVER replied to them! I completely understand that if I don’t like it, I can just delete my account, but I don’t feel threatened or in danger, I’m just so shocked by how many absolute oddjobs there are out there.
Yesterday, I got a Blackberry, and sent Saskia, my beautiful stripper pal from the Midlands (to note, that’s not how I normally introduce her, it’s for the benefit of the blog), my BB PIN over Twitter so she could message me during the day etc.
Today, I had a request come through to accept a new pin, I didn’t recognise the name but I figured I could delete the contact straight away anyway if I needed to. May as well see if he actually knows me.
Mazahir: I know I shouldn’t ask. But how old are you?
Nej : 23. U?
Mazahir: 22. You’re quite pretty I must say I was bowled over, haha
Nej : Erm… thanks?
Mazahir: What’s your full name btw?
Nej : It’s a secret
Mazahir: Lol, I’m sure
Nej : Sorry. Rules are rules.
Mazahir: What rules? No names when you bbm??
Nej : Yea, that’s the one, lol.
Mazahir: I’ve heard of sex clubs where you can’t give names but never bbm.
Nej : I don’t go to sex clubs so I wouldn’t know that.
Mazahir: Nor do I, I’ve just heard of them
Nej : Lol, ok.
Mazahir: Are you on Facebook??
Nej : Nope.
Mazahir: LIAR
Nej : Excuse me?
Mazahir: Even Gods on Facebook nowadays, and we are still human… Miss Saskia Summers.
Nej : Haha, I’m not saskia, lol
Mazahir: Then… who r u???
Nej : Hmm… going off my name I’d say I was Nej
Mazahir: Hmmm
Nej : And what are you anyway? Some kind of stalker?
Mazahir: No, just a guy who appreciated beauty.
Nej : Looks like you have the wrong girl then seen as you think I’m Sas.
Mazahir: So then why don’t you send me a picture of you, then I’ll know exactly who I’m talking to.
Baaaaah…. DELETED!!! My sympathies go out to Saskia in this situation thought to be fair. She has absolutely no idea who this man is but he clearly had his sights set on her initially. Bloody. Weirdos.
Do these men actually think that a few internet conversations will give them a chance with the women they are talking to? To actually meet them and actually fuck them?… That as soon as they ask for pictures we’ll send some over straight away, because we’re all just that desperate?? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude, I’ll send pictures to someone I know, but not some complete random! I just don’t understand their intentions, or what gratification they actually get from doing it… Unless there are some girls who do send stuff over and meet up with them… ARE THERE ACTUALLY GIRLS WHO DO THIS???
Oh my lord. This world really is a mental place!
Felix = Attention Diverted.
It’s been a whole week since my last blog, and I’m quite impressed with how much I have actually done. My attention was successfully diverted from missing Matt, and after a few days, I was back to my ‘normal’ self. Had a chat with the wife early on last week about how I was considering waiting for him to get back, and not being with anyone else. By Thursday I was like, fuck that… He won’t be doing the same so why on earth should I! I’ve decided to leave him to have the rest of his time over there now and see what comes of it when he’s home. Everything happens for a reason and all that. He text me on Saturday night telling me how much he missed me… blah! My poor poor head.
Works been busy, the studio’s been busy, although I haven’t been there much because I’m still not teaching. The girls are doing such a good job running it for me, I think I may have to buy them something pretty for it. And, thank my lucky stars, I have had my faith in pole-manity revived. Woohooo! I had the master class in Liverpool with Felix Cane (Current Pole Dance World Champion). I spent two hours watching in awe as she taught us her signature moves and did demonstrations for us… even though I couldn’t pole to my full ability because of my hip, I still learnt so much. The advanced girls I teach will be so pleased!
On my way out on Saturday night I received a phone call from Debs who was co-teaching the master classes, saying the Manchester venue had let them down and could they use my studio the following day. I told her we only had 4 poles, and the studio is carpeted, they didn’t care. So I agreed. So on Sunday, extremely hung-over, I had Felix Cane at MY studio, demo’ing on MY poles!!! And I was allowed to sit on the sidelines and watch her work. Brilliant day. I have loved that woman since I first started poling. She won Miss Pole Dance Australia in 2006 after just 8 months of poling, and she has never lost a title since. Truly inspirational.
Saturday was Mason’s birthday celebration; we met at his for a couple of drinks and then headed into Manchester to go to the Comedy Store. I’d never been before. We saw 4 acts, but the funniest by far was Reginald D Hunter, he’s been on Mock the Week a few times. Walking downstairs after the first half to go to the toilets, I noticed he was walking up… Think fast, haha… I said “Awesome set” as we crossed paths, and I patted him on the shoulder, much like you would a cousin you haven’t seen in a few years and don’t quite want to hug. Haha. He replied “Thank you sugar”… Cue me practically falling down the stairs with Starstruck-dom. I’m a sucker for anyone remotely famous. “What, you had a walk on part in Corrie?… Please sign my shoe”… That hasn’t happened yet but no doubt it will do at some point in my life, I’m such a dickhead.
We moved on to Baa Bar, Rev’s, and then Pure in the Printworks. I was drunk from the very start obviously. And the shots in Baa Bar which included Triple Sec, Sambuka AND Tequila helped me quite nicely along the way. Pulling wasn’t really the front and foremost thing on my mind to be honest, getting messy was, and I was more concerned with fluffing up my fringe which had separated into four sweaty strands and pulling my top down at the back so that my bra strap was covered. I later went on to remove my entire breast from my dress (covering my nipple – as if that makes it any better) for a photo, and biting a hot dog and passing it to Corbett from my mouth to his, like a mama bird. Good weekend. Why the hell does work exist?? I fucking hate Mondays.
Xx
Attention Diverter
My plane landed in Zante on Thursday afternoon. Matt came to meet me at the airport, even though he said he wouldn’t have been able to. I think it was really sweet of him actually, even though I did look like I’d been on a plane for 4 hours… We went back to his place and I half unpacked, was distracted by some afternoon sex, then we went out for a sunbathe. Things seemed to slip into a comfortable routine quite quickly. Much like when he was over here, I never felt uncomfortable or self-conscious around him. And I’m very rarely like that. I loved that part about being there with him the most.
His mates Tim and Adam were over there, so when Matt was working I went out on the drink with them. They were both really good lads, I’d met Tim before, and had talked to him on Facebook, so I wasn’t with complete strangers – haha… The first night I was completely on my arse,
which resulted in me having to force myself to be sick just so I could walk straight. One of the PR’s described me as an Alcohol Bulimic because I make myself sick so often when I’ve drank too much – I want that as my job title… Matt met us in a bar after he’d finished work; we drank for a bit longer, got a pizza and then went back to his. I don’t remember much except that the sesh we had was brilliant, but was not a very well protected one (I’m on the injection, and yes, I’m booked for a GUM check up this week).
After trying to piece together the previous night, Matt told me that he’d slept with two girls since he’d been over there, and used protection with each. He told me one of them was a girl he’d met working there last year, but then they’d met up and shagged back in England after the season, then hooked up again this year… I don’t know if he was telling me to make me feel better about the situation, but for me, isn’t that worse than a one night stand? It’s like hooking up with an old girlfriend!… Like I said before I went over there, I don’t want to lay claims on him, or him have any claims on me. But even I can’t control the pang of jealousy you get when the lad you’re sleeping with talks about another girl. Especially one who he’s going to be around for another two months… My head seems to have made a bigger issue out of this now I’m back home.
The four days I spent there were lovely. We chilled out by the pool during the day, took a boat out to Turtle Island and sunbathed on the beach, and I generally got to know him a lot better. My favourite day was the last day because we spent it alone. We rented a jeep and drove around the island, ended up at St Nick’s beach and lay in a hammock together all afternoon getting tanned and chatting about stuff from our pasts. He took me for dinner that night at a little Greek restaurant with a gorgeous view overlooking the coast, and then we went back to Laganas for a few drinks before I had to go home.
Sex over the weekend got better and better each time. He honestly is the best I’ve ever had, he knew exactly what he was doing. But although the physical connection was there, and we could talk all day long, I really can’t see this lad as my boyfriend, even when he eventually comes home… I really can’t see ANY lad as my boyfriend. Am I just destined to spend my 20-somethings alone and fill my time with meaningless sex?? I don’t think I want that anymore. I think I need something a little less shallow.
He drove me to the airport on Monday at half 5 in the morning. I checked in my case and we sat outside on the pavement watching the sun come up until my gate was called. We didn’t really talk, except him saying that he would miss me and me saying it back – we just sat together… Much like when he left in May, I wasn’t sure if it was the attention and affection I was going to miss the most or him. In May, it was him I missed, I felt like it was a missed opportunity and the shittest timing ever, but this time I’m not sure. I haven’t had cuddles and kisses off anyone except the wife for over two months… Maybe it’s not him I need. Maybe it’s just someone. I don’t regret going though, although I feel withdrawn now I’m so glad I saw him. He’s a lovely lad with decent intentions, and I’ll definitely be seeing him again.
I’ve come home and to be honest I feel a little empty. I need an attention diverter… And I’m questioning whether it should be of the male persuasion, or more of a hobby.
I got accepted onto the Suicide Girls website. I become a SG Hopeful as soon as I submit a set into member review (If it gets voted by the members as Set of The Week, I then become a fully-fledged SG and get $1000). I’ll be shooting my first set with Suzie this week, so hopefully that will consume some of my time and mainly my thoughts. My head is still a little scattered.
Pre-Zante
I had a bit of a head-blag lastnight. I was in the pub with my mates and when they were talking about me going to Zante and telling me to have a nice time, I felt like they were taking the piss about it… The other day my mate Dunny said “Have a nice long weekend looking at the ceiling and the headboard.” Haha. It is funny I suppose. Them thinking that I’m going over there for a sex marathon… (Well, it has been 7 weeks… i needz it!) BUT… I’ve been doing my calender maths and I have the worst feeling I’m going to be on the rag as soon as I get there, so it may be an anti-sex holiday! Haha, can you imagine… That would truly suck.
I don’t know what my intentions are for going over there to be honest. I definately don’t want to come back with Matt as a boyfriend, or as anything slightly commital. As much as he’s said he misses me and say she has been a “good boy”, I’m not naive. The tagged photos on Facebook of some random bird with “Matt enter here” and and arrow scrawled up her thigh in marker pen point to the fact that he’ll have had his end away at some point. And I don’t mind it, thats not why I don’t want him as a boyfriend, I just don’t want one at all… I suppose I just want a break from this country. There is far too much rain, and not enough good men.
Me and the wife have talked for a while about fucking off. Packing our bags and going next year to work the seasons abroad for as long as we can hack it. We wanted to start in Ibiza for the summer, then go to France for the ski season once the summer has finished, then back for to somewhere else warm, then cold, blah blah blah. Start in Europe and aim to end up in Australia. I would love to be in Australia. The plan is that I would be the stripper and Emma would work the bar in the same club. Flawless. But is it the same in every country? Would we be venturing out and finding even more reasons to lose our faith in men… It might not just be England that’s full of dickheads, it might be the world!!! God help us.
The Suicide Girls
Ok… due to the ol’ hip injury, I’m not teaching at the studio for a while. So I’ve decided to put my newly found spare time into something that I can be passionate about and that I’d love to do – and something which does not directly revolve around men. Shocking I know…
I’ve decided to apply to become a Suicide Girl!
For those of you who don’t know what I’m on about, here’s the Wikipedia explanantion:
Suicide Girls is a website that features softcore pin-up-style photos and text profiles of goth, punk and indie-styled young women (although styles reminiscent of the 1940s and ’50s pin-up models are also incorporated) who themselves are known as the “Suicide Girls”.
I’ve never really had a ‘style’, so I wouldn’t call myself a goth or indie, but I wouldn’t call myself commercial either. Not that I parade myself around in Cyber clothes on a weekend or anything but it’s all about dressing up for the photoshoots isn’t it? And I may not have any holes in my face but I currently have bright red hair to my advantage. I’ve followed the Suicide Girls for a while, always thought it would be cool to do something like that. The girl above is one of my favourites, Manko.
I’ve never had the urge to get my boobs out quite as much as I have done over the past few weeks. And it’s ironic because now is proabably the time when my body is least at it’s peak. I honestly couldn’t care less. Boobs and big bums all the way. In a tasteful way of course… haha. It’s full nudity, exposed breasts and bums but strictly no ‘spread-em’ shots. Sounds like just my cup of tea.
The process is a long and drawn out one, they get over 3000 applications a week so you wait a while before you hear anything. You submit a picture and they either dump you (and you just reapply with a different picture) or they put you onto the Hopefuls list. Once you’re on that you start creating a collection of photosets (40-60 photos with a similar theme that tell a ‘story’) and people then vote you to be ‘Set of the Week’. For that little achievement you get $1000, and then you’re a fully fledged SG. After that every photoset they publish of you, you get $500. Not too shabby.
My mate Suzie said she’d do the shoots for me to begin with – she’s an awesome photographer and she has some wicked set ideas. And if nothing comes of it, at least I’ll walk away with the photos for myself. The first one will be next week when I’m back from Zante. Can’t wait.
Will keep you updated.Xx
